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The U.S. government’s plan for dealing with the arrival of extraterrestrials during a time when the government is not shut down.

December 23, 2013

 

Does the U.S. government have a written plan on how to handle contact with extraterrestrial intelligence should that contact take place on earth?  If so, is this plan top secret?  And if this plan is secret, why is it secret, other than the government’s prediliction for making things secret and keeping them that way?

What might be in such a plan?  Does it envision different scenarios?  One in which we are able to determine in advance that a ship, or group of ships, is heading our way?  How much advance notice would we have…well, not we the people, but we, meaning our government?  Might that advance notice depend on the size of the ships?  After all, extraterrestrials might be our size, or the size of football stadiums, or the size of Mars fun size candies, like one gives out (or gets) on holloween?  [I prefer Three Musketeer bars, though Milky Way bars might be more appropriate for this blog.]  Also, the size of the ships might depend on how many exterrestrials are inside.  Perhaps one if it’s exploratory.  Perhaps five if it’s a family vacation and they took a wrong turn at Neptune.  Perhaps nine billion if they’ve come to colonize…and they’re really serious about it.

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Do we have an alternate plan if we find that one ship has landed but nothing, at least nothing that we can see, has come out?  Or a plan if we encounter one or several extraterrestrials, already out of their ships and seeking perhaps to communicate.  Or looking for a place to pee.  What if a space ship lands in Arizona, and three extraterrestrials with brown skin emerge, and one of them says: “Hola.”

How would it be determined whether the visitors are friendly or hostile?  Presumably we would want to take some precautions in case they brought a virus, or something akin to a virus for which we have no defense.  At the very least, humans should use condoms if having sex with an extraterrestrial – which would probably take about one and a half hours before that possibility becomes a fait accompli.  With photos uploaded to Instagram.

Suppose we welcome them like the Native Americans welcomed the Pilgrims.  Perhaps not the best comparison, considering how the Native Americans fared.

Suppose we unleash everything we’ve got, militarily, against them.  Suppose that only makes them mad.  Or, suppose we destroy them, only to find out later that they’d brought us advanced technologies, or at least a cure for cancer, a diet that really works, and a terrific idea for a sitcom.

Since we are actively looking for any indication of communication from ‘out there’, surely we have, or should have, a plan in place for if and when we receive/find such a communication, and/or actually meet the critters face to face.

Suppose the plan is to deal with them peaceably, but the first humans they encounter are rabid 2nd Amendment righters who fill them full of holes and have them at the taxidermist’s before you can say E.T. phone home.  What if one kind of extraterrestrial lands on earth, on the lam from another kind who send in drone strikes, and later apologize profusely for having accidentally killed U.S. citizens in collateral damage.

Do we have documented contingency plans for these scenarios?  If so, what department handles these matters?  Fish and Wildlife?  Immigration?  Transportation?

Will it make a difference if we consider them attractive, rather than super freakin’ hideous?  Suppose a ship lands and three extra-terrestrials step out, each looking like Brigette Bardot in her youth.  Or suppose they’re hideous looking and ask to be introduced to Angelina Jolie.  Suppose they have impressive boners.  Would William Morris offer them representation?  Would they get their own reality show?  Deep Space Dynasty?

I worry about these things.  Somebody has to.

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